||[Jun. 8th, 2005|09:19 pm]
Well Lana and Ron came and Debb and them left with most of the stuff and Lana and Ron got some kicten stuff. Everyone has been really super in handling the train wreck I've been. My mother has me on some heavy sleeping pills, but took me off cause she said I was really jumpy and kept asking for Monte....I guess I was so out of it I didn't realize he was gone. I dunno. I hurt so bad. And I don't think he does at all. I think he's just angry. Lots of anger. And his family is way too involved too. My mom told me to stop talking to Monte and I told her no it's my life and my heart. I wish Monte would do the same, but I think may be he needs all this anger in order to push back the pain. I dunno. May be he just didn't love me as much as I love him. I dunno. I do know is that I begged. I begged and begged. I tried to save stuff that I thought might mean something to him despite my mother trying to throw it away, I know him, and I know us. In a month from now he'll calm down. In fact, when I'm in Cali, it'll hit hard. And then, perhaps, he'll be calm enough to talk to me. |
I want him back. I want to kiss him, to hold him, to pour my heart into his. But I can't he doesn't want it. I wish I could give him the world he wants. I wish I could take his disappointments and pain away from him.
On the upside, one law school has said I'm in once my B.S. is complete. You'd think that would make me okay, but I don't care. I dunno if I even want school anymore. Dad was thrilled over it, set up a meeting with a university to do cram sessions so I can hurry up and do my stuff. But like I said, what's the point? There is no point. I was the astronomer, not the lawyer. I did the law cause I figured it was more sensible for us. Cause he wanted the city and I couldn't very well study the stars in a city, and law is okay, but I figured it would just make better sense than astornomy. I dunno. I'm completely lost now. I don't know what to do with my life. Dad is going to put into flying lessons again, and farsi lessons, violin lessons, work, anything and everything to keep my busy. He told me that's how to handle a broken heart. I dunno. I don't want to do anything. I want to lay in bed and cry and sleep and cry some more.
I bet he no longer cries either.
And it's so hard to see couples. So hard....
It's like my world is over.